Disciplining the Young Child

"We have reared a generation of brats. Parents aren't firm enough with their children for fear of losing their love or incurring their resentment. This is a cruel deprivation that we professionals have imposed on mothers and fathers. Of course, we did it with the best of intentions. We didn't realize until it was too late how our know-it-all attitude was undermining the self assurance of parents."

This is an oft-quoted passage from a Redbook interview with Dr. Benjamin Spock in his later years. The irony of this statement is that Dr. Spock himself, in his book, "The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care" had advocated the relaxation of parental authority and the affirmation of a child's self-worth. In fairness to him, generations of parents raising children up until the 20th century were not terribly enlightened, and his philosophy was intended to right some of the historical wrongs of parenting. But while many of his ideas were good, his philosophy also ushered in an era of permissive parenting that has swung the pendulum so far the other way that it has completely transformed society. Overall, I believe that we've done a disservice to our children and to ourselves by adopting an approach to raising children that is too permissive. Understandably, we worry that discipline will alienate our children. However, I believe that good discipline, understood and applied properly, will endear us to our children and help us transition to being a mentor and friend as we release our children into the world.

This may sound strange, in light of how some view discipline. Many of us think of it this way: our child does something wrong in direct defiance of the rules, we naturally become angry, and punish the child--we take away TV for a day, ground them, or we may even lash out at the child -- spank them and send them to their room until we can regroup. But this isn't good discipline -- often it's just blowing a gasket, and it's usually counterproductive.

Here is my own definition of true discipline, as it should be applied:

"The process by which a parent wisely and lovingly uses whatever effective means he chooses, to discourage undesirable behavior, and redirect his child's actions to those which are desirable. This process is rooted in love for the child, with the practical aim of getting the child to conform to the rules governing his household, and of society later; it is done for his own welfare and to ensure his own happiness in life, and never out of sheer anger or cruelty."

I daresay we begin laying the foundation of a good relationship with our kids from the moment they emerge from the womb. The push-me-pull-you for the parent is to provide structure in a child's life from that moment forward, without alienating them in the process. While much of this structure can take the form of positive reinforcement, for most kids some discipline is going to carry a far more influential message when the chips are down. I wish this weren't the case, and for those few compliant children very little true discipline may be required. Most others, however, are going to test you regularly.

As we already know, children are born a blank slate in many ways. While they do have their own unique temperament that will not change much over a lifetime, their habits, attitudes and overall approach to life are very malleable in the early years. A child learns about life by observing and emulating the actions of those he sees around him. He will also act upon any stray, seemingly clever idea that he finds rolling around in his little head, and regardless of the inspiration that may drive him, he acts in a state of partial or total ignorance of what is expected of him, depending on how old he is. Then he sits back to observe the results of what he's said or done. 'If I do this, what will happen?' is the burning question in his mind, all day, every day.

All of this is fairly obvious to most of us. However, many parents fail to realize that by far the most important thing in a young child's learning process is the parent's consistent response to the question above. Why? Because learning the mechanics of any activity is far less complicated for a child than learning the appropriateness, advisability and acceptability of the same. The only way he will be successful at figuring that part out will be to observe your response--he has only a rudimentary conscience at this age, which is woefully inadequate for this task He really and truly is relying on you to mold his conscience and good judgement, and it's your job to build in the detail for him by tailoring your responses to reflect how you want him to behave, and how you want him to feel about his behavior.

We tend to think that a child this age doesn't want to be corrected, but they certainly do. They want to learn what is right or appropriate, just as they're anxious to learn everything else. At this age, biting or hitting, taking away a toy, or other actions of which we as a society disapprove, is a neutral or perhaps beneficial action as far as the typical self-focused toddler is concerned, and it will remain that way for him until he is lovingly informed otherwise. It's your response that teaches him that it's wrong, according to the standards of the world around him. A sharply negative response at this very early stage will make it clear that an action would not be advantageous to repeat, and if the response is applied consistently, this attitude will be cemented in your child's little moral compass pretty quickly. Naturally, a positive response will encourage the repetition of an action. These two ideas comprise the well-known reward-response concept--nothing new to see here, so let's move it along.

When it comes to discipline, try to view each instance of your child's disobedience as part of a long process of experimentation and/or testing, with correction or affirmation on your part, towards the larger long-term goal of developing conscience and character. Each event represents a chance to work towards that goal, so consider all of it constructive, whether you're applying positive reinforcement or discipline--both are good and necessary. This viewpoint is different than trying to simply get your child to stop doing something that you don't approve of, or trying to get him to adopt a good habit over the short-term. What I'm suggesting is taking a much more expansive view of how your day-to-day interactions with your child affect him.

Personally, I routinely imagined my children as adults, living out the moral standards and good habits that we were establishing when they were very young. I imagined them recalling how I taught them many of these things, and how grateful they were that I loved them enough to go to the trouble. I always found these thoughts very inspiring as I faced issues with my kids each day. Like the time I stood there looking down at my adorable two-year-old daughter with a giant hunk of hair in her bangs cut down to the scalp, listening to her try to convince me that she didn't do it. I thought ahead to the good that my response right then would do for her down the line. So her first effort at telling a bald-faced lie was met with the kind of response that keeps her very honest to this day. (I know you're wondering what I did, but you'll have to wait for my essay on selecting the right method of discipline that will do the job.)

Viewing the long process this way will help you to stay objective enough to carry out true discipline in a calm, even loving way, and this will have a very profound effect on how your child sees you. If you begin making your responses to your child loving, but consistent and authoritative at a young age (in the second year, generally) he will be reminded daily who is in charge of his life until it becomes a very natural state of mind for him. This knowledge will also make him feel safe and secure in his world, and it will cause him to look at you with respect, standing you in good stead when willful disobedience becomes part of his behavioral repertoire.

Having gone through the whole process myself, I now enjoy a loving relationship with all three of my young adults. We have had very little rebellion and dissension over the years, and ours is a peaceful household. I adore all of them, and likewise they count me among their closest friends. I can think of no better testimony to the efforts we have made to carefully think through how best to mold the characters of our kids.