One unfortunate by-product of our self-reliant society is the inability to accept kindnesses and compliments from others graciously. While some of us are accomplished at this, many others have difficulty finding a comfortable way to accept help, or even a compliment.
When was the last time you offered to do something for a friend and they said, 'Great! Thanks!' ? More often we hear, 'No, that's alright. I'm good. But thanks anyway.' Or how often have you given a compliment, only to hear, ' Thanks, but I'm really not very good at it' or 'Really? I feel so ugly sometimes!' ?
Why do we do this? Well, in the case of needing help, naturally a part of this equation is pride. In our country, with our generally robust economy, credit cards, reliable transportation, and fundamentally organized cultural infrastructure, being able to manage your own life without help is expected, really. In other countries, where some or all of these things are missing, help from friends and family is a way of life, something taken for granted, both on the giving and receiving end. But not us. If we find ourselves in difficulty of any kind, it is, perhaps, humiliating to reach out for help, and if help is offered we may often turn it down and muddle through ourselves. We don't want to appear unable to take care of our own business. We worry about what others would think of us.
Yes, independence is good, and we may sometimes resent it if some people get into the habit of relying on us for too many things, and this can happen. But most people are generally able to handle what life brings them without much help, only once in a while needing assistance in a particular situation. When that time comes, why do we try to manage without the help?
Think about the times that you have offered help to others. What was your motivation? While there are times that we feel obliged to offer help when we may not prefer to, more often we offer because we genuinely want to help someone. And how does it feel to have truly helped someone in need? Doesn't it feel great ? We have taken some time to forget about ourselves and make a difference in the life of another person.
But when the tables are turned and we need help, we forget about this, and assume that the person who could help us, or who may, indeed, be offering to help us that very moment, would surely do so out of obligation. Or we may be so wrapped up in how our need for help may look to the other person, that it may not occur to us that they are offering or would be willing to help because they want to -- because it would bring them joy to help us!
I have been frustrated many times over the years when I am excited to be able to help someone, and I offer, only to be soundly refused, even if I repeat my offer and actively try to elicit its acceptance. I feel very disappointed that the other person would not let me help. There have been times when I have offered help, and the person gladly accepts. On these occasions I have been known to jump up and down, clapping my hands, saying, 'Goody-goody-goody!' (Not very adult, I know.)
Here is the main point I am driving at: Turning down help will usually rob the other person of the joy they would experience in helping you. And helping each other builds a strengthening bond between us that is so satisfying and enriching. It is often those situations where help is needed that cement a friendship for life. We learn and grow from the hard times, and those are the experiences that build our character -- and the character of others, if we let them in to help us. So we short-circuit all of these things by saying 'no' to help.
If this is something that makes sense to you, and you would like to change how you respond, start by taking some time to formulate a response that is comfortable for you when help is offered. One that acknowledges the need for help, without appearing to be needy. When help is offered to me, and I can really use it, I usually respond with, "Really? Are you sure?" And I look for the response. It is often apparent at this stage if the offer is given happily or out of obligation. If it seems to be given happily and with enthusiasm, then I say, "Wow. That is really nice of you! It would be nice to have your help." And I may offer to reciprocate in the future, if appropriate. Or even more fun is this response, which also addresses the 'joy' quotient that I am talking about: "Would it make you happy to help?" If the answer is yes, (of course it is) then I say something like, "Well, I certainly wouldn't want to rob you of any joy!" I may offer to roll lunch together into the bargain. If at all possible, I keep things light during the whole process.
When it comes to accepting a compliment, I think we all have a tendency to feel that if we accept the compliment, we may seem conceited. Or, conversely, we may hope to coax more compliments out of our benefactor, by denying what they have said, prompting them to counter with a more convincing argument of just how we are so worthy of the compliment.
I had my first lesson in accepting a compliment in high school, and now, 35 years later, I still remember it. A young man I knew was a great singer, and I was standing nearby when he was asked by someone what he said when people complimented him on his singing, because it happened often. He shrugged and said, "I just say 'thank you'." So simple. Why do we insist on discounting in some way what the other person has said to us? Perhaps we feel that by saying 'thanks' we are conveying the sentiment, "Thanks--I am great, aren't I?", and this may be the case, depending on how we say 'thanks'. It's possible to convey the idea, 'Thanks, I appreciate that you feel that way, whether I agree with you or not' by how we respond. If we say, 'Thanks, I appreciate your saying that', with a grateful and humble spirit, one perhaps mixed with a little surprise that suggests that we didn't expect such a compliment, this puts across a very positive response, and one that makes the giver comfortable. And remember that a compliment that is received with gratitude also makes the giver happy for having given it.
As you look for ways to accept a compliment, remember this -- most of what you have has been given to you, whether it is good looks, talent, or material possessions, and it is also possible to convey this fact when being complimented. I had a perfect example of this when our family visited one of my oldest and dearest friends, Tracy Kuntz. Tracy and I met 25 years ago working together at an investment firm. I got married and moved away six years later, and she still works there today, working her way up to president of the company. But she is still the same old wonderful, humble Tracy. A couple of years ago, after saving for years and looking endlessly for the right house, she and her husband Steve bought the most beautiful house overlooking Dana Point Harbor in Orange County CA -- one of the most exclusive areas in the entire country. As she showed us around this fabulous house, she did so in a way that conveyed her own wonder at actually owning such a place. I enjoyed it so much. Rather than feeling jealous at all she has that we don't have, I found myself celebrating her good fortune with her and relishing every moment. My children picked up on this also, and I think they learned a valuable lesson. She could easily have given the same tour with an air of grandiosity that would have made us feel like dirt, but by humbly acknowledging that she doesn't deserve the house, but has it, she put herself on 'our team' -- she's just one of us regular folks, but happens to own an amazing house.
It is possible to view anything you have this way. If someone compliments me, I often respond as if I am an outside observer to whatever is being complimented, someone who just happens to be the temporary owner of the thing, whether it's my singing voice, my own house (which is pretty nice) or my creative ability. I see the compliment as being for the attribute, not for me. For the 'religious' person (we are Christians) it's easier to learn to view things this way, because we believe that everything does come from God, and is not of our doing. But even those who may not believe this way about God can cultivate a viewpoint like this.
One other thing: I often make the mistake of feeling the need to expound on my thanks, because, well, what does one say after a compliment is given and accepted? Often there is an awkward silence there, and I sometimes find myself filling it with babble about me. But I am learning to resist the urge to do that, and instead change the subject, or perhaps mention someone else that is also worthy of a compliment, etc. there are a few directions to go there. I also resist the urge to immediately reciprocate with a compliment, which may seem insincere given at that particular moment, and I find another time for that.
In a similar vein, we should also feel freer giving sincere compliments. If you notice something positive about another person, for Pete's sake, pipe up! I've waited tables occasionally for a very long time, to earn extra money (which promptly goes into my children's wallets). Often, when I'm with a customer and I really like their hair or an item of clothing, I find a moment to say, 'I love your dress -- so pretty". People love hearing these little compliments, and you never know when a comment like that will make someone's whole day! I remember one woman who responded to my compliment about her dress this way, 'I'm so glad to hear that -- I put this dress on this morning and have felt self-conscious all day -- I'm just not sure I like it. So now I guess I can relax the rest of the day!" I even do this to strangers, often as I am simply walking by -- 'Ooooo! Love your bag!' or 'Great hair!' and I keep going. There's no need to be insincere -- choose those times when you genuinely notice something worth complimenting.
I won't lecture you on offering to help people more -- unless you'd like me to lecture you on the subject. I can always come up with a bunch of things to say on just about any topic, even those I know nothing about. AND I can manage to sound knowledgeable, too! Just ask my kids!
Penny Rug Wool
